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In the likely event of a zombie apocalypse…

It appears that it isn’t just a few avid gamers, excitable slasher fans and late-night cheese eaters that have contemplated the potential risk of a zombie apocalypse. The US assistant surgeon general, Ali Khan, posted on the government’s health and safety agency blog last year in the ‘Centres for Disease Control and Prevention’ section, on how to prepare for a Night of the Living Dead scenario in your own town. However, Khan offers no advice on how best to fight off the Zombie hordes – chainsaw? Shotgun? Or even a cricket bat, popular with Shaun of the Dead enthusiasts I’m sure. Instead he recommends preparing a survival strategy ‘to get you through the first couple of days before you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp’. Pfft, booooooorring. So, here’s the deal: we are going to explore survival techniques in the event of a zombie outbreak, firearms vs melee weapons, where to set up camp and how to stay alive whilst kickin’ ass and crackin’ skulls. You may laugh now, but when it happens you’ll be happy you read this, and that we at TB Marketing have prepared you for such an event – it could save your life.


Ideally the group should be no larger than eight people. You’ve seen at least one zombie movie I’m sure, and whether it’s The Night of the Living Dead, the more light hearted but equally excellent Zombieland, 28 Days Later or the greatest zombie flick of all time in Dawn of the Dead they all have one thing in common – the larger the group, the more people die. I suppose this isn’t a redeeming factor, and it doesn’t necessarily mean you will last longer either with the best example of perseverance in an outbreak being Will Smith’s portrayal of Robert Neville in I Am Legend. Immune to the virus that has sparked the outbreak, Neville is the last human survivor in what is left of New York City, perhaps the world. Three years he lives alone, with only his dog for company. I think that the larger the group, the more chance of the infection infiltrating the group and thus leaving you vulnerable to zombification.


You should always have a bag prepared. In your bag should be three changes of socks and underwear, MRE’s (meal ready to eat) and enough water to last three days, binoculars, basic first aid, steel wool, 9volt batteries, mag lights, Walkie-talkies, water purification tablets, knife, compass, rope,and extra ammunition (if you’re packing). In addition to these, each person should carry one ‘ancillary’, something that makes them valuable to the group. This ‘ancillary’ could be anything from a portable radio to firelighters or additional medical supplies.


Choose your weapon. Aim for the dead. Don’t miss.

Everyone has a weapon of choice, be it a sawn-off shotgun, a machete, mace, or the more easily obtained but still extremely satisfying cricket bat! Living in a country where firearm acquisition isn’t the simplest of tasks (I’m sure the Daily Mail would disagree) many will have to settle for a trusty melee weapon, however I feel this makes things more interesting and offers an aspect of creativity when choosing a faithful companion. Knives are your friends, but you must think about it carefully when choosing which knife to wield on the battlefield (oh). No flick/switchblade knives, the only useful jobs these can do is clean the dirt under your fingernails and impress the local non-zombie kids. If you have a suitable knife then great, if not then  you must consider the next best thing.

Top Five melee weapons:

1. Machete

2. Shovel/ Garden Shears

3. Sledge Hammer

4. Cricket/ Baseball Bat

5. Hatchet/ Axe


Think big. Really big. A D160S-5 perhaps? A Hummer might seem the best bet, but when the miles per gallon is that poor you’d have to carry plenty of fuel or look elsewhere. A bike is fast and maneuverable, but if we’re talking about I Am Legend zombies then it wouldn’t necessarily be the best idea with no protection from flying attacks.  A A truck would be good for transporting materials, extra fuel and casualties, as well as having more scope for zombie-proof modifying. See this tutorial.


You’d need a place to camp out and quite possibly make your home for the next few months/years. You could be lazy and go to the pub (see Shaun of the Dead), or clever and find the nearest water filtration facility which would be pretty secure as it is so would make your life easier, and of course the water would be handy. A supermarket would be fruitful (pun intended) in regard to supplies, both short and long-term. However, many people would have the same idea and if you have read this thoroughly you will already know this isn’t a good thing. You could think about turning your own house into a zombie-proof castle, although being discovered would leave you trapped and your fort would become more of a prison and you would simply be prolonging the inevitable. Escape plans are a must.

Now it is a matter of waiting it out. No doubt you will lose some allies , this comes with the territory. The important part is that you stay alive and keep your base of operations organised, and if needs must send out for supplies. Clear the corpses from the base, always keep someone awake to look out and always keep your weapons clean and ready to go.

If you get bored, just take your radio and a chainsaw into the street and wait. Good luck.

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